Nick's Don't Picks - Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Nick Watches The Bad Movies So You Don’t Have To. Featuring… Nicolas Cage: Spirit of Apology (or…"Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance")

I have a rare claim. I think I am one of the few people who, without coercion, threats of violence of blackmail, willingly purchased both of Nicolas Cage’s attempts at playing a mainstream superhero. This is MY curse, and so I feel it makes me qualified to discuss Nic C’s curse – he is more superhero than most of us will ever be, and yet unworthy of such a mantle.

No really, he chose his last name based on the guy in the above picture. Yes, the Old Spice guy.

I have seen both Ghost Rider films. That’s right – there’s TWO. After the first one, you think I’d have learnt. See the first one engendered a morbid curiosity in me – it was filmed predominantly in my home town, with Melbourne standing in for somewhere in Texas. No, really. I don’t see it either. Neil Finn probably couldn’t write as eloquent a song about Texas, but then he’s also probably not tried…Yet. So I watched, and within minutes of Cage’s first drawled delivery, I was regretting it.

SHUT UP NIC! JUST! SHUT! UP!

So why did I watch the sequel, I hear you ask? Well…I don’t really know. The synopsis worried me, and then the execution of the opening settled it - It was definitely going to be a bad movie. Years after first becoming the Ghost Rider, Johnny Blaze (Nic Cage in a leather jacket), is hiding somewhere in Europe. We know this, because a wine-guzzling Idris Elba has an oooooutrageous French accent, and Anthony Stewart Head (yeah the Coffee/Buffy guy) is a monk. Monks only exist in Europe, of course. We soon have a few American actors introduced, which, by the Law of Simple Cinema, means they are the main characters. The Jon Bon Jovi one makes short work of the monks, (because Jon Bon Jovi is TOUGH) which prompts Idris to go look up Ol’ Skull Face. And thus, the redemption begins.

The film then goes through the motions of the archetypical Superhero Sequel. Hero has adjusted/not-adjusted to their new life, has a crisis of conscience and gives up their powers so to return to their life. Still gets caught up in the superheroe-y way, and has a new nemesis who he must then somehow overcome, even though now he’s just a guy now, ya’know? And finally we get a triumphant hero re-embracing their role and flying/riding/looking into a sunset. When all is said and done it IS pretty a cookie-cutter affair*, so you can’t call it out for not fitting the mould.

However, the devil is in the details and that has both true and false with Ghost Rider (literally and figuratively. One, it’s about the Devil, which means that whenever people say things like “I’ll see you in Hell!” and “Go to Hell!” In this movie, that’s sort of a Chekov’s One-Liner – it can, and most often will happen that way. But the flip side is that there is no depth – there are no details to hide the Devil. In that respect, it’s like the world’s most demonic (and worst) Where’s Wally. The other real problem, infernal punning aside, is that Johnny Blaze seems to spend the whole time repenting, but for what?! He was possessed by a flaming skull after making an ill-advised deal with the (very-real) Devil, and now he feels, what, guilty? Shut up. Deal with your mistakes, boyo.

Apparently Melbourne’s leafy streets proved too expensive, and they took off to somewhere with hills, no buildings and a passing resemblance for Generica, Europe. (I had family from Generica. They sort of looked, you know, like everyone else.) The running-away-and-hiding-in-Europe plot point is a barely disguised excuse for this shot-in-the-middle-of-nowhere look. Because this look is cheap. What’s more, this type of flimsy writing is also used to explain Nic Cage’s permanent look of confusion – he is a man on the run, on the run from…himself. And so he mopes his way around, getting all whiny about his hot-headed alter ego (yes, it’s really that subtle with its subtext), and wanting us to feel sorry for him as he tries to find a kid, and not tear through the entire effects budget every time he makes an appearance.

I went and made dinner whilst the movie was on, and that was a “go and cook something properly” type of dinner, from which I returned after 30 minutes and hadn’t missed a beat of the story. Dinner was good, by the way. New recipe, worked nice. I DID spy Christopher Lambert, after what I can only assume was a very boring shoot, and was confused as he was the only French actor yet he mucked up Idris’ French name. Didn’t matter, he wasn’t around long enough to make the same mistake twice.

You know that party game, where if you fall asleep with your shoes on, people can draw on you? Chris is a HEAVY sleeper…

And that’s probably my biggest gripe, and something Nic Cage SHOULD be apologising for. There were a few great, REALLY great character actors in this piece, and they were for the most part frittered away. Why hire these guys if you only want them to have a scene or two? And Idris Elba – dude, thankfully Thor got all the real attention during 2011, but…you are so much greater than this. I thought you were mean as hell in Luther, and your portrayal of Vaughan Rice in Ultraviolet sold the gravity of the show on me. You are a great, great actor (and probably a great guy, I haven’t met you yet).

There Nic Cage, there is a way for you to redeem your Ghost Riding ways – get Idris Elba up in the spotlight again! Make him the Black Panther! Make him Iasiah Bradley! MAKE MY LOST 96 MINUTES WORTH SOMETHING, DAMMIT!

Ah, who am I kidding? It’s Nic Cage. He has two expressions, and one of them is the direct result of the other.

He can go from Confused to Crazy in less than 12 parsecs…

One Flaming Skull (Out of Five) - Don’t watch this film.

*”The Cookie-Cutter Affair” is my new band, we have a single called “Chocolate Explosion (Delicious Shrapnel)”. Look us up.