Nick
Watches The Bad Movies So You Don’t Have To. Featuring… Nicolas
Cage: Spirit of Apology (or…"Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance")
I have a rare claim. I think I am one of
the few people who, without coercion, threats of violence of blackmail,
willingly purchased both of Nicolas Cage’s attempts at playing a mainstream
superhero. This is MY curse, and so I feel it makes me qualified to discuss Nic
C’s curse – he is more superhero than most of us will ever be, and yet unworthy
of such a mantle.
No really, he chose his last name based on the
guy in the above picture. Yes, the Old Spice guy.
I have seen both Ghost Rider films. That’s
right – there’s TWO. After the first one, you think I’d have learnt. See the
first one engendered a morbid curiosity in me – it was filmed predominantly in
my home town, with Melbourne standing in for somewhere in Texas. No, really. I
don’t see it either. Neil
Finn probably couldn’t write as eloquent a song about Texas, but then he’s
also probably not tried…Yet. So I
watched, and within minutes of Cage’s first drawled delivery, I was regretting
it.
SHUT UP NIC! JUST! SHUT! UP!
So why did I watch the sequel, I hear you
ask? Well…I don’t really know. The synopsis worried me, and then the execution of
the opening settled it - It was definitely going to be a bad movie. Years after
first becoming the Ghost Rider, Johnny Blaze (Nic Cage in a leather jacket), is
hiding somewhere in Europe. We know this, because a wine-guzzling Idris Elba
has an oooooutrageous French accent, and Anthony Stewart Head (yeah the
Coffee/Buffy guy) is a monk. Monks only exist in Europe, of course. We soon
have a few American actors introduced, which, by the Law of Simple Cinema,
means they are the main characters. The Jon Bon Jovi one makes short work of
the monks, (because Jon Bon Jovi is TOUGH) which prompts Idris to go look up
Ol’ Skull Face. And thus, the redemption begins.
The film then goes through the motions of
the archetypical Superhero Sequel. Hero has adjusted/not-adjusted to their new
life, has a crisis of conscience and gives up their powers so to return to
their life. Still gets caught up in the superheroe-y way, and has a new nemesis
who he must then somehow overcome, even though now he’s just a guy now,
ya’know? And finally we get a triumphant hero re-embracing their role and
flying/riding/looking into a sunset. When all is said and done it IS pretty a cookie-cutter
affair*, so you can’t call it out for not fitting the mould.
However, the devil is in the details and
that has both true and false with Ghost Rider (literally and figuratively. One,
it’s about the Devil, which means that whenever people say things like “I’ll
see you in Hell!” and “Go to Hell!” In this movie, that’s sort of a Chekov’s
One-Liner – it can, and most often will happen that way. But the flip side is
that there is no depth – there are no details to hide the Devil. In that
respect, it’s like the world’s most demonic (and worst) Where’s Wally. The
other real problem, infernal punning aside, is that Johnny Blaze seems to spend
the whole time repenting, but for what?! He was possessed by a flaming skull
after making an ill-advised deal with the (very-real) Devil, and now he feels,
what, guilty? Shut up. Deal with your mistakes, boyo.
Apparently Melbourne’s leafy streets proved
too expensive, and they took off to somewhere with hills, no buildings and a
passing resemblance for Generica, Europe. (I had family from Generica. They
sort of looked, you know, like everyone else.) The
running-away-and-hiding-in-Europe plot point is a barely disguised excuse for
this shot-in-the-middle-of-nowhere look. Because this look is cheap. What’s
more, this type of flimsy writing is also used to explain Nic Cage’s permanent
look of confusion – he is a man on the run, on the run from…himself. And so he
mopes his way around, getting all whiny about his hot-headed alter ego (yes,
it’s really that subtle with its subtext), and wanting us to feel sorry for him
as he tries to find a kid, and not tear through the entire effects budget every
time he makes an appearance.
I went and made dinner whilst the movie was
on, and that was a “go and cook something properly” type of dinner, from which
I returned after 30 minutes and hadn’t missed a beat of the story. Dinner was
good, by the way. New recipe, worked nice. I DID spy Christopher Lambert, after
what I can only assume was a very boring shoot, and was confused as he was the
only French actor yet he mucked up Idris’ French name. Didn’t matter, he wasn’t
around long enough to make the same mistake twice.
You know that party game, where if you
fall asleep with your shoes on, people can draw on you? Chris is a HEAVY
sleeper…
And that’s probably my biggest gripe, and
something Nic Cage SHOULD be apologising for. There were a few great, REALLY
great character actors in this piece, and they were for the most part frittered
away. Why hire these guys if you only want them to have a scene or two? And
Idris Elba – dude, thankfully Thor got all the real attention during 2011,
but…you are so much greater than this. I thought you were mean as hell in
Luther, and your portrayal of Vaughan Rice in Ultraviolet sold the gravity of
the show on me. You are a great, great actor (and probably a great guy, I
haven’t met you yet).
There Nic Cage, there is a way for you to
redeem your Ghost Riding ways – get Idris Elba up in the spotlight again! Make
him the Black Panther! Make him Iasiah Bradley!
MAKE MY LOST 96 MINUTES WORTH SOMETHING, DAMMIT!
Ah, who am I kidding? It’s Nic Cage. He has two expressions,
and one of them is the direct result of the other.
He can go from Confused to Crazy in less than 12
parsecs…
One Flaming Skull (Out of Five) - Don’t watch this film.
*”The Cookie-Cutter Affair” is my new
band, we have a single called “Chocolate Explosion (Delicious Shrapnel)”. Look
us up.
Nick
Watches The Bad Movies So You Don’t Have To. Featuring… Nicolas
Cage: Spirit of Apology (or…"Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance")
The film then goes through the motions of
the archetypical Superhero Sequel. Hero has adjusted/not-adjusted to their new
life, has a crisis of conscience and gives up their powers so to return to
their life. Still gets caught up in the superheroe-y way, and has a new nemesis
who he must then somehow overcome, even though now he’s just a guy now,
ya’know? And finally we get a triumphant hero re-embracing their role and
flying/riding/looking into a sunset. When all is said and done it IS pretty a cookie-cutter
affair*, so you can’t call it out for not fitting the mould.
Apparently Melbourne’s leafy streets proved
too expensive, and they took off to somewhere with hills, no buildings and a
passing resemblance for Generica, Europe. (I had family from Generica. They
sort of looked, you know, like everyone else.) The
running-away-and-hiding-in-Europe plot point is a barely disguised excuse for
this shot-in-the-middle-of-nowhere look. Because this look is cheap. What’s
more, this type of flimsy writing is also used to explain Nic Cage’s permanent
look of confusion – he is a man on the run, on the run from…himself. And so he
mopes his way around, getting all whiny about his hot-headed alter ego (yes,
it’s really that subtle with its subtext), and wanting us to feel sorry for him
as he tries to find a kid, and not tear through the entire effects budget every
time he makes an appearance. 
One Flaming Skull (Out of Five) - Don’t watch this film.